I have always believed that our lives could easily be divided up into chapters. The baby years, toddler years, adolescent years, teenage years, dumb ass years, you get it. Just like a photo album recording our life. As with any good book, there are chapters you laugh at, some that you sigh at, some you sob through and some you skip cause sometimes it just hurts a little too much to read. About this time last year I was in a skip chapter.
The reason for the skip is still something that brings me to my knees so I try to not dredge it up. What I bring up every day is what brought me through it. It was something amazing, somewhat unbelieveable and something that I will take to my grave as the honest truth. As the quote of my life says, “I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried”.
As many of you know, my hound and I are by ourselves during the week. Both kids are out living their best life and The Stauff works away from the ranch during the week so we can afford the ranch. As the story goes, “With every good rancher, is a spouse that has another job to keep the ranch going”. In The Stauff World, we both have jobs to keep it going.
I had ventured into this space that most would call “rock bottom”. I would stare out across our meadow asking the winds a million questions. In the depths of the quite I never heard an answer to my plea’s. This one night. I collapsed on our couch. I grabbed my phone and flipped to what everyone flips to when they want to kill time and crawl down rabbit holes, Tik Tok. I flip through my page watching all the videos of people happy and laughing and throwing jokes freely. Then, one came up that said to stop. It peaked my interest. I listened to what this soul had to say. It said, “If you are watching this, this is meant for you. You need to watch the whole video. I never tag anything on my posts, so if this found you, you were meant to hear this”. I rolled my eyes, “Geezus H.. What people will do anymore”. But I kept on listening. What would it hurt.
She said, “You are feeling like you are at the end. You don’t know how or why you are going to continue. You have been battling hard the last few years and you feel like giving up. You don’t see anything ever getting better and you feel like no one cares”. “Hmmm”… I thought, “She is actually pretty spot on”. I was getting drawn in. She says, “Find a quite spot”. I was thinking “Welp, I am 60 miles from the nearest town and it is just me and the hound. No better place I guess”. She says, “Your spirit guides are always with you. You just need to ask them to give you a sign that they are there helping you”. She went on about how I needed to repeat after her for a sign from my spirit guides that they were there and they were helping me. Part of me was like ehhh.. bullshit.. but again.. my knees were hurting from hitting them so much praying for help that I would try anything. So I repeated everything she said, opened my eyes, nothing standing or sitting beside me waving, jumping up and down. I scoffed at my little test and kept wandering down the rabbit hole of other people’s happiness. I finally gave up and said “at least my bed would welcome me”.
I fell asleep and woke to a bright sun dripping light across my face. I got up and started my normal morning ritual. Getting myself ready for work. I tiptoed through the shower, scrubbed up my face and brushed my teeth. Tossed some oil to my mane so it wouldn’t swell and look like a puff ball. I wandered out into the living room to turn on my XM radio. I pressed the little button and went to turn to grab my tea. My brain made my heel turn on a dime and spin back to my XM radio. I stared at the ledge where my radio sat. My radio sits on our picture window ledge, which is right next to the couch where I was the night before going through my Tik Toks.
Scattered all over the ledge was tiny gray and white feathers. They were very delicate and actually the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. My first reaction was, “How in the hell did a bird get in the house last night?”. I looked around my book case beside it.. nothing.. I glanced at the hound who was watching me wondering what in the hell I was doing. “DUDE”, I shouted, “what the hell happened? you are a bird dog.. where is the bird?”.. She just stared at me.. hmm.. I thought, so random. Thinking back, maybe she knew more about these feathers than I ever will. I started back to make my tea and I thought about the night before. About asking for a sign.. and I froze. I spun back around and stared at the feathers. I sat down on the couch and stared at the feathers until they were burned into my memory. I tried to process what was going on, but words and thoughts escaped me. Could it be? Naw.. no way. But… what if?
I got up to get my tea and head to the office to work. I stumbled through work and every once in awhile I would lean back in my chair and stare out into the living room. I shook my head. Craziness. Besides, there isn’t anyone that is going to believe this shit. They were just so darn pretty though. I got up to go look at them again. I went to the sill and I noticed that alot of them were gone. My mind raced, “No”, I said, “come back”, with hot tears starting to roll down my face. I stopped myself and put my hand over my mouth. What was a I saying? “Geezus I am damn certifiable” I whispered to the remaining feathers. I searched all over for the feathers. I could only find about 5 left with what seemed like a dozen or more when I first saw them. I grabbed one of my glass bottles that had a glass topper in it. I gently laid the remaining feathers into the bottle and placed the topper on it. I placed it by my kitchen sink on the window sill so I could look at it every day. No ideas on where the others went.
A few days later I was walking in our south pasture with the hound. I started to think about my feathers, the Tik Tok, and what had happened. As I walked down through one of my Grandfathers old homesteads I again asked for a sign that my spirit guides were close by and helping me. I closed my eyes and talked to the wind as it swirled around me. I opened my eyes slowly and walked about 4 steps. On the ground in front of me was a perfect white feather. Nothing else around. Just one, perfect white feather. I picked it up and put it into my pocket. When I got home I gently put it with my other feathers in my little glass bottle.
Over the days, weeks and months I would go somewhere and in a very random spot would be a white and gray feather. I would always gather them and thank the peace that surrounded me for the sign. I was telling my friend about this whole crazy story and in the end he looked at me and said, “There ya go, you have been thinking about getting another tattoo. Get the first feathers you found tattooed so you will always have them”. A light bulb went off in my small brain. I would indeed.
I was telling my best pal about my encounter with the feathers. She wondered if they actually meant anything. We Googled it and what we found made us ponder more. We found one that said it meant that a loved one who has passed is close to me. Some said that it meant that they are a reminder to not lose faith. While some said overwhelmingly it meant to hold on because there was spirit guides beside you helping you every step. They all hit home and hit hard. I knew that I had come across all these feathers for a reason.
After finding the perfect tattoo artist that said she could make the feathers look like 3D on my arm, I made an appointment. My best pal went with me to get another one on her as well. I ended up getting 3 of the feathers on the inside of my arm. One for my spirt guides, one for my Dad and one for my grandparents. I have no clue who was really there helping me get through, but I figured I better cover all my bases. lol. I will tell you though, everytime I look at my arm, I am comforted cause I know that there is someone or something out there helping me through all this crazy bullshit they call life.
Is it real? Who knows. It isn’t my spot to say either way. There will be a day I will ask, but for now, it doesn’t really matter if it is real or not. I know for a fact that it saved me. It helped me get off my knees and stand. It helped me breathe and to smile. In the end, that is all I really wanted. The kicker? I just found one tonight in a pile of rocks. Protected from the elements, sitting patiently waiting for me to find it. Then, as it watched me, I smiled, stared at the sky with tears streaming down thanking the peace in the wind for yet another sign.