Jake has had lots of names.. he arrived on the scene here as ‘Dizzy’, then turned to ‘black balls’..for.. um..simple reasoning.. then came ‘Jake’, Then our friend from France came here, who connected with this cat like a long lost sibling, and it went to ‘Jacque La Chat’.. and trust me it is not pronounced the way you would think..so we stay with Jake.. I have been working at home on the ranch this week. Every morning a pretty little bird flies around the picture window as if he wanted in.. I would watch him and he would always settle for the hand railing next to the picture window. It would cock his head a hundred ways looking in the window, as if he was wanting to chat..it made me smile and happy to watch it. The kids would walk by and say “what a crazy bird”. I would laugh, “right?”..his hair stood straight upon the top of his head and he had pretty colors of cream all down his chest..anyway.. he visited me every am and sat on the railing checking out ‘the inside’. Fast forward to this am.. we had a bunch of rain last night and the air was nice and cool this am.. Sydney wanted out so I flung the sliding glass door open and left it open to get a little fresh air in. I was working away when I heard the blinds behind me shuffle around. I glanced back and didn’t see anything. It went back to peace and quiet with a few birds singing outside. I sat there for a few mins and pondered what I heard. I hollered for Sydney and she came walking by, looking like she just awoke and giving me her half dog smile. I got up and looked down at the blinds.. Jake had a 🐦 bird. “Jake!! You son of a bitch, drop it”. Sydney got interested with my raised voice, so she comes over and pokes her nose into it..Jake lets out his “rrrrrrrrrr”.. I said, “Jake, you are such an asshole..drop it”. Then Sydney figured out what was going on and then the race was on. Jake whipped his prize to the left as Sydney dove to the right, then to the right as Sydney dove to the left. This went on back and forth with me in the middle playing referee. I finally got them separated and Jake was in a corner still doing his, “rrrrrrrrrr”. I bend down to grab Jake and the bird to take them both outside. I looked at the poor bird, it was the same bird that had been stopping by every morning.. I laid into Jake again..”you son of a bitch, if you killed him you are kicked out”. I picked up Jake by his belly and ‘walked’ them outside. Sydney right on my heels. I went over to the edge of the deck and grabbed Jake by the scruff of his neck.. “let go you little bastard”, then by some grace he let go and the bird flew away..seemingly unscathed by the wanna be killer. Jake was all puffed up and ran under the deck chair on cue, maybe knowing an ass kicking was coming. Sydney was still looking around trying to figure out what had just happened.. my bird hasn’t been back since.. fricking Jacque La Chat..what an asshole..lol..
A throwback to a night at the ranch. A night at the Stauff’s..Sydney took me for a walk tonight and the kids trailed in behind us. Pinker started complaining about half way thru. I told her if she were going to complain we would go home. Needless to say we hooked a left and came home. Her mood didn’t change much after we got home. Grandma got the kids a over the door bball hoop for Easter. Super momma I am, I had assembled this thing and hung it on my bedroom door before our walk. Once home we had a quick supper, Pinker showered and then ordered Magee to play a game of hoops. I sat and watched this start as a fun game of tossin the ball, then Sydney joined in and things started to get a little wild. I told them that whatever they messed up they would pick up. Then the blankets all started coming off the bed..super momma got grumpy and promptly ended the bball game and ordered Magee and Pinker to make my bed. Oh but Pinker thought it was soo funny. Magee was breakin a sweat as he didn’t want trouble. Needless to say Magee abandoned the cause and apologized profusely. Pinker started in on me. I grabbed my phone and started the voice recorder. She proceeded to lay it all out, Magee cringed as he foresaw bad mojo coming. I sat quietly while she went off for 2.52 seconds. Magee finally broke and ran to my room and started throwing blankets and pillows to reassemble the bed without Pinker. Pinker had an upside down smile and was glaring me down. I don’t told her she had lost all electrical devices over Easter. She fell into tears and said she wanted to plead her case to the highest court(Dad). I pushed play on the recorder and said sure, cause the defendant has it all recorded sunshine. Ahh words and tones she wouldn’t dare whisper to daddio. Her mouth fell open and was speechless. Magee’s eyes got big and started laughing, gut laughing. He asked me if I recorded the whole thing and what I was going to do with it. I said I recorded the majority and daddio would listen when we got home. Pinker cries “my life is over!” Magee laughs and says “oh my gosh I have been waiting for this day since the day she was born, this will be great”. Ahh siblings and a black mailing mother..all in a days work… Lol..Magee is still replaying the rant….
My world is memes.. I love them.. probably because they reflect my smart ass mouth and mind set..but alas. They cheer me up and cheer others up and if they bring a smile, chuckle, or a drink blown across a laptop reading it, ‘it’s worth it’. Life is to short to be pissed all the time.. people always ask me, “where do you find these?”.. I laugh and say, “I think they find me.. usually what is going on in my life fills my feed with thee best ‘advice’ one could ask”. Honestly that is a true story.. but, one came across my page the other day that made me chuckle as it really happened.. some commented on it with laughs and likes, but the real story behind it is a good one and that meme brought it all back. I figure it should be written down, so the kids remember who they are dealing with..The Stauff and I started dating in January 1997. He was a good guy..went to church every week. Me.. I spent those nights dancing and drinking maybe a little too much when I wasn’t working.. Sundays found me sleeping till noon when I wasn’t working.. Sunday AM found The Stauff in church..polar opposites..when we started dating this new world intrigued me and when he asked if I wanted to tag along with him to ⛪ church one Saturday night I was like oh yes, I would love to.. At work we all talked about who was doing what for the weekend.. I say, “well The Stauff and I are going to Saturday night church”. All went quite and heads turned my way. “You are going to church?” They all gazed at me.. I rolled my eyes at them them..”come on now”, I said, “I have gone to church when I was a kid every once in a while and a few times in college.” They all laughed at me. I laughed at them, “well..what is the worst thing that could happen?”.. I got grief the rest of the day with everyone dreaming up things that would happen..I waved them off laughing.. I got off work and headed home to get ready for my date with The Stauff. Just so happened it was the beginning of Lent..and The Stauff was a pretty serious Catholic..like I knew what any of this meant..he picked me up and away we went to church. As we were driving The Stauff made mention how weird the clouds were. He said, “it is so weird, it almost acts like a summer storm rolling in”. A part of me stopped and pondered that storm word, but I shook it off and kept on chatting about my day..when we pulled into the parking lot, the clouds had become very dark and lightning glows were poking through the clouds..I started to get a real uneasy feeling.. The Stauff said, “I can’t believe this, we never get weather like this this early in the year”. I let out a nervous giggle as I took a gander out the window.. lightning was getting close and was starting to stab down to the ground, thunder erupting through the parking lot..The Stauff says, “we should make a run for it before this storm hits, looks like a lot of rain coming”. I ran my fingers through my hair, wiped the sweat beads that were forming under my hair line. “Frick” I thought, “this shit isn’t happening..this is just a freak coincidence”. I kept repeating that mantra as I stepped out of the pickup and ran to the church. As I was running little bits of hail started to fall on us. I picked up my pace.. lightning was stabbing which seemed right next to us..I am in a full sprint now..The Stauff threw the door open, bailed inside and slammed the door.. bigger hail stones beating the hell out of the church… My eyeballs were about to fall out of my head..my heart was beating a hundred miles an hour.. all I could think about was, “what have I done? Dude? Seriously what have I done that was so bad”. We find a seat and sit down.. The heavens dumped a heavy rain on the church..lightning still striking all around. The electricity flickering..The Stauff keeps saying, “this is just crazy, I have never seen anything like this”. If someone would had said 👻 boo I probably would have pulled a Forest Gump and ran my ass all the way back to Wyoming.. I was spooked.. I was scared to think what was coming.. the storm finally subsided and the service started. I calmed down a little, thinking that God was 1) playing with me and laughing along or 2) teaching me a lesson..I just wasn’t sure which one it was. Pretty soon we are in the service and the Father walks down the aisle shaking holy water out to the members. I glance up to see what is all going on and I get a face full..it felt like it was burning.. I asked The Stauff, “what the hell is this? This shit feels like it is burning my face. Why is that?”. The Stauff just smiled and said “I wonder”.. I wiped it all off my face and pondered what he said through the rest of the service.. we left the church and he grabbed my hand as we walked out.. I thought “whew, maybe lightning won’t strike me being connected to The Stauff”.. we crawled in the pickup and The Stauff said, “still can’t get over that storm, hard to believe there is no damage to my pickup.”. I just laughed as we pulled out of the parking lot and said, “baby, I don’t t think it was your pickup the storm was chasing”.. I did end up changing a few of my crazy ways..just in case..🤪🌪⛈💧💨🌈⛪️
Throwback to when the kids were wee little ones.. I think Magee was 6 and Pinker was about 4…bath tub time.. Magee goes first.. the LEGO loving little boy asks if he could take in some Legos to play with while he soaked the crud and day away. Surely I said.. nothing new. I pulled Legos from the washer, dryer, tub, pockets, vents, cushions..you get the picture..Magee jumps out of the tub after his skin had wrinkled up all ‘raisinish’. Pinker is next, she jumps in the same tub water Magee had used. She grabs her toys and starts playing. Humming, splashing and thoroughly enjoying her bath time. Magee comes strutting out into the living room with his jammies on smelling like bubble bath. He says “oh Mom, I forgot my legos in the tub. Can I go get them”. I said “well sure, go get them”. I was busy writing when he came out. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Not looking up, I say “did you get them bud?”. No words… I looked up and he is standing beside me white as a ghost…I raised my eyebrows at him.. “what? What is wrong?”. He looks at me not blinking. “I went to get my legos from the tub. I reached down in the tub and picked them up….AND I squeezed it between my fingers… it was poop… she pooped in the tub.. and I squeezed it between my fingers”. I honestly didn’t know what to say.. the kid was seriously traumatized.. Pinker hollers from the tub, “Magee it isn’t that big of a deal. I thought I had to fart and a couple turds came out. It isn’t a big deal. I scooped them up and threw them in the toilet, I just forgot the little ones, jeez”. I still didn’t know what to say.. Magee just stood there and looked at me.. with a blank look on his face pointing to the bathroom. I bit my lip hard cause I was afraid I was going to start laughing. I got up and went to inspect the crime scene. I walked in and Pinker is sitting there in the tub happy as a lark giving me a “are you shitting me look” while shaking her head at Magee…Magee is standing behind me poking his head around my legs, “SEE!!” He hollered, “poop crumbs in there, some floating and some sunk”.. I put my hand over my mouth. Pinker says, “oh my God Magee, it is not that big of a deal. I threw them in the toilet”. I finally grasped for some words. “Well..let’s drain the water and try this again”. Pinker glares me down, “whatever”.. Magee says “well I am taking another bath too and you are going to scrub that tub first”. So I pull Pinker out and get her dried off to start round two of the baths. Magee stands beside me scrutinizing every poop crumb making sure all is well. Clorox comes into play and then he finally approves the new clean tub.. poor guy.. I almost told him about the time he dug into his diaper and finger painted the wall in his room, but I thought he might faint on me.. 🤪😂
I heard Sydney get up this AM and do her usual knock on the front door to be let out. I tried to pretend I didn’t hear. She did her knock again..blah.. I cracked an eye lid open to look at the clock..3:34 AM.. frickin 🐶 dog.. bladder the size of a pea. I crawl out of bed and drag my still half sleeping body to the door. She is sitting at the door crossed legged, like come on woman move it.. I open the door and a rush of cold air hits me.. I cuss a little on how I despise winter. I lean down to grab her chain. My half opened eyes focused on an object on the the step. My body froze. My brain freaked out sending an alarm through body. “Bug.. big frickin bug..stop bending over retreat.BUG.. BIG f’in 🐛 bug”. I stopped, the dog ran into my legs and I let out a little “ahh”..Common sense tried to ration with my brain, “too cold out for bugs especially for that big”. My brain was having nothing to do with common sense. I opened my eyes a little bigger, and cleaned the sleep out.. the dog still trying to get past me. Finally my focus became clear. I little piece of my pine wreath had come off in the wind and was laying there perfectly on the step, impersonating….a bug..I grabbed the chain that laid beside it and Sydney bounced outside to finally go..I shut the door 🚪 and tried to get my heart calmed down.. now fully awake, I let her back in and crawled back to bed..I laid there thinking of my latest ordeal and busted up laughing.. I am glad it wasn’t during the day..😂
Craziness at the homestead.. getting lunch today, I tell Magee to go get The Stauff for lunch from the wood shop. He jumps into the pickup and heads out.. I am finishing up getting everything ready when Pinker hollers, “COYOTE, get the gun Mom”. I spun around to gander out the window..sure enough.. a coyote standing across the creek.. broadside.. my heart raced..gun gun gun.. shit..the boys have the guns with them. I tell her “text your brother to get back now”. And of all the times he doesn’t check his damn phone..this is one..we watch the coyote sniff around and wonder around.. still broad side.. I am dying..we look out the other window..finally here they come put zing home. They pull up in front of the house and Pinker and I are standing in the doorway creating hand signals to let them know a coyote is near.. they cocked their head a few times at us.. I mumble..🤬 as they sat there staring at us.. 🤪 they finally opened a door and I said a little louder, “there is a coyote over by the creek”.. and I 🤫quietly shut the door and smiled at them. They looked at each other with a raised eyebrow.. Pinker says, “I don’t think they believe us”. I shooed my hand to them and they grabbed their guns and turned around. The coyote popped up into a little knoll. They both hit the ground and attack Mode was set into place. Magee got to the garbage cans and laid his sites on him. Pinker and I were in the kitchen watching it all go down.. all of a sudden something black darts towards the coyote. Pinker says, “yo, is that another coyote?”.. I studied the new object that entered into the picture. “Holy shit! That is a badger running after it”. The coyote is looking back at the badger and “boom”. Magee fires off the lethal shot.. the coyote falls over the hill..the badger looks around, turns and runs his ass off back to his hole. I can only imagine what was going through his mind and I died laughing. When The Stauff got in he looked at me and laughed, “I couldn’t imagine what in the hell you were doing”.. ahh life on the ranch.. never a dull momento.🤪😜🤪😂
My Weim is a baby.. I admit it.. I created the mess I have.. The Stauff always reminds me..YOU were the one that brought her home. I never had been around a Weim but had seen all the pics of them and the stories of how smart they were.. winning combination..right? The Stauff met a guy that had a Weim about the same age as ours.. He came home and told me, “this guy at the garage had a Weim just like ours, but it just sat there. He was 🤫 quiet..it didn’t run and spaz like this one does”. I said “oh yea?”.. he said “I asked the guy, we have one to, but it isn’t near as calm as this one”. The guy told The Stauff, “well the closer to the home land they are the calmer they are, he was flown in from 🇩🇪 Germany”. The Stauff looked at me and said, “this is what happens when you find one from the suburbs of Omaha”. We laughed about our floppy eared crazy. She sleeps with me when The Stauff is gone. again, I take full blame..when I got back from the trek back I tossed her in bed with me and the rest is history.. she gets up about 2 times a night to go outside to potty. Lately it has been 4 – 5 times a night. I am the only one in the family that she can wake up. Everyone else snores through the flopping of the ears, the licking of her chops right by my 👂 ear and the finale of the panting. So I get up, let her out, get a drink of water and go to the bathroom while waiting on the lady. She doesn’t like the cold and despises the wind. Since it was both last night I figured it was a quick out and in. I was wrong.. after about 10 mins of waiting I flopped onto the couch to finish waiting after the third time of letting her out.. I heard her famous knock on the door.. I just sat there.. then she knocked a little harder.. I sat there..again another harder knock..I sat there smiling..pretty soon she jumps up on the door looking in the window as if she was saying, “HEY, WTF let me in Momma”. All I could see in the shadow of the window in the door was perked up ears swinging back and forth looking to the right and then the left. I died laughing.. the crazy Weim. She jumped up on the couch and let out a big sign, not looking at me.. I went back to bed to get a few hours until the next potty call. The next call was indeed out and in.. no lingering this time.. when The Stauff’s ⏰ alarm clock went off at 5:15, Sydney met him at the doorway, a changing of the guards. She jumped up into bed and flopped onto the bed getting as close as she could to me and laid her head on my chest.. that is what I love about her..she forgives quick..now the kids, if I did that to them, they probably wouldn’t have talked to me till later in the morning.. lol..😏
I thought my first born was the naughtiest little guy I had ever seen…then I had my daughter and God winked and said “haha..gotcha there didn’t I ?”..Magee’s terrible twos lasted a whole of 3 days..his sister is going on 15 and I fear she is still going through them. His first day his Elmo met his demise.. I started the day like every other day feeding kids, laundry and picking up the house..about 10:00 AM I grabbed Pinker and threw her in her high chair for a snack. She had shoulder length beautiful bouncy curls and she was about 2 years old.. she had a white furry sweatshirt on. I noticed she had some hair on her sweatshirt, but chalked it up that she was loving on her kitty..I snapped the high chair in place and ran my fingers through her curls as I had always done. But this time a handful of curls came off in my 🤚 hand.. I stopped and looked at her head. I ran my fingers through her hair…FRANTIC..All the hair in her back came off in my hands..butched to her scalp..I shrieked. “What in the SAM hell happened?”.. I thought I was going to cry..Magee comes strolling by to see what the commotion was about. He smiled at Pinker, “oh don’t she look cute?”..I stared at him and said, “her curls, they are all gone!”.. he said, “yea, I know, I cut it off”. I blinked a few “WTF” thoughts. I stammered, “YOU did this? YOU cut her hair?”…he was still pretty damn proud of his work…until he looked up at me and saw my face.. “don’t you like it Mom?”, he whimpered.. Tears formed in my eyes, she looked like a boy..in a cute fluffy white sweatshirt.. every curl gone.. he got a kick in the pants and was sent to his room…I took Pinker out and cleaned her up and finished the hack job her brother had started.. Magee hung out in his room for awhile until I started to feel guilty.. I went in and talked to him about what he had done. We both agreed probably not the best choice he could have done.away he went to play..I went back to my laundry..I went into my room to put some clothes away. My cat caught my eye as she was under my table, her tail flicking like a mad woman.. I put the clothes away and went to check her out.. as I bent down I noticed a pissy look on her face. I pet her and she got up..when she got up I figured out her pissed offness..the hair on the whole side of her ass was cut off short. So she had one side long and another super short. I knew where this came from.. “Magee”, I hollered..he came into my room, I looked at him, “did you do this?”. He looked down, “yes”. Another kick in the pants and sent to his room. I calmed my cat down and talked her off the ledge..after awhile I started to feel bad again. I went into his room.. I had him crawl up on the lap and I had a visit with him. I was patting him on the leg explaining life when I noticed a hole in his jeans.. I stopped short..”What the hell happened to your jeans?”. He hung his head.. I took a deep breathe, “oh you did not.. you did not cut a hole in your pants!”.. he just hung his head..another kick in the pants and a stay in your room..I was ready to have a meltdown, throw in my momma card..stick a fork in me.. I was done..I went outside to clear my head and cool off. Again guilt fed into my veins and I went into his room to visit with him. We went over good choices and bad..blah blah..he had curled up on my lap and was snuggled up with me..I grabbed my momma card back fiercely..I had won..until..I looked down at the floor and there was Elmo..laying on his back..hands spread.. with a hole cut in his belly…. “Magee” I whispered in my calmest voice I could muster.. “did you cut a hole in Elmo’s belly?”.. He said, “yeah”..I took a very long breathe and exhaled slowly.. “alrighty then, is that it? Is there anything else you cut?”.. he thought for a minute and I cringed.. “nope”, he said, “that is all”.. 😌 relieved I said, “well then let’s go grab Pinker and go play outside shall we?”.. and away we went..later that night I told The Stauff of my showdown.. He said, “well I guess if it were me I would have taken the ✂️ scissors away the first time”.. I rolled my neck, cleared my throat and said, “yep, you are right, he walked around the house all day with those sum bitches just showing them off and yea, probably should have taken then away huh.. thinking about I should have..IF I KNEW WHERE THE SUM BITCHES WERE”… and the day ended..only to begin day two of his terrible two’s…and Pinker’s beautiful long curls..never came back..her hair has been stick straight ever since..
Last night Pinker got a wild hair and decided to build an apple pie for us at the house and a peach pie for the office..she gets it all done and I tell her I will take the peach to work and hide the other from Sydney. Hustling and bustling this am I grab the peach pie and hide the untouched apple in the microwave.. the safe spot. I run home over lunch and fling the door open. Sydney laying on the couch looks up at me with that Weim smile and glances to the kitchen and back to me, then back to the kitchen.. my smile turned upside down..in some demon voice I said..”you son of a bitch”..the microwave door wide open..our untouched apple pie on the floor half eaten.. Sydney now has a scared shitless look on her face. An empty sack of candies also laying next to the scene of the crime..I flip out and run after her saying, “you do this, eh? You do this? You are naughty.. so naughty”….she tucks her ass between her legs and hops around the house..so I scooped up the apple pie and dump it into the garbage..she sat there watching me droopy eared..I looked at her, “you think I am pissed? Wait till Magee gets home”..so when I get home from work, I asked Magee if he knew where the apple pie was.. he said no..so I told him the story..he gave her a look of disgust..and a cold shoulder the rest of the night..but on the plus side Magee told Pinker he prefers a cherry pie this time.. and so goes the age old question..now where do hide the ‘goods’.. maybe the oven..she is such an ass..lol.. 😫😳😂🙄
Skippy has seriously knocked this out of the park.. they are awesome!! I show them to my kids.. “try them, they are awesome”.. they look at me with cocked eyebrow..they say, ‘I am good”.. I keep on them..”you should really try them, so addicting”.. they finally try them.. “yea, pretty good”, they say. I looked at them dead in the eye.. “how ya suppose they make them?” They both shrug and echo, “I don’t know”. I said, “I do, it says right here on the side of the container”. They look at me, “really?”.. I put one in between my hands and roll it around, smoothing it down. Someone in some foreign country takes it and rolls it between their hands till it forms a ball”. Mouths dropped.. tears were forming in my eyes holding in the laughter while watching blood drain from Pinks face.. I popped another in my mouth. “Damn they are good tho.” Pink managed to mumble, “oh my God that is so disgusting”.. Magee finally tells her..”Pink Mom is just joking, that isn’t how they are made”. Oh if I could have only videoed that.. 😂🤣😂